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Tuesday, May 09, 2006
peiling sent me this via email because she has no other output now, since she constantly refuses to blog. but since she said that she will post this up the next time she blogs (which may be ages from now, depending), i might as well do her a favour and post it here. the earlier the better?
read it, it starts from here:
"if given the choice i would post this on my blog but since im not going to post [...], im going to spam you with these rubbish thoughts of mine. [...]
so it starts here:
there's only this thin line between life and death. i can be happily crossing the road and the next thing i know, a car zooms by and knocks me down. i can be taking public transport and the mrt train gets derailed or something happens to the bus and there goes my life on earth. i can walk along orchard road and some lunatic can take a knife and stab me. we're just so pathetic. we're vulnerable every single moment and yet we think we are so smart and try to take the place of God. stupidity. and i guess im guilty of that. perhaps not in the sense of cloning and trying to take control over life, but more in the way that im trying to take over the place of God in my life? everything now is about me me and me, or things around me. you know if not for jess, i think fighting to get out of this stupid thing would have slipped my mind gradually [intentionally or unintentionally]. and thinking that i could have allowed myself to rest in this horrible state comfortably scares me. but at least im glad it's not the case now. (: thank God for jess, it totally reminded me.
i am still unable to understand why on earth people want to commit suicide. there are people who want to live, but are stricken by some terminal illness or something and are fighting desperately for their lives, but yet losing it slowly. they are facing death [i think that's the greatest fear of mankind of all ages] but they dont want to die. and there you are facing difficulties [no matter how great it is, it definitely pales in comparison to death] and you want to die. i simply cannot understand how they can do it. or perhaps, i just dont understand them. i guess it's the latter. maybe it's the spur of the moment kind, or maybe they just cannot take it anymore, and everything around them just seems to fall apart. and since ive never attempted to commit suicide, it's even harder for me to understand.
as for me. committing suicide is something i will never do, or at least it has never crossed my mind as of yet. perhaps it's because i value life and i know im here because God put me here for a purpose. perhaps it's because of family and friends- which includes you! (: or perhaps it's because of pure cowardice. i cannot allow myself to take a knife and slash my wrist and watch the blood drip slowly and enjoy the process. i cannot sit on the window sill and dangle my legs and finally take the plunge. me a coward? yeah.
having people around me falling very ill and facing death. seeing people whom i know lying in those stupid wooden coffins has made everything that i thought about when i was young start to come back. it's such a stupid cycle. you think about it when you're young, you think you've got the answer so you stop thinking. and then when you get older, everything comes back and you start thinking even deeper. how stupid. or maybe it's just me.
we are threatened by death every moment of our lives. and i dont know whether we dont know it or we choose to ignore it and refuse to accept it [by we, i dont mean every single person. because there are definitely exceptions. people who live their lives in a manner pleasing to God. haha like auntygeorgina and unclemax and the list goes on]. and here we are squandering our lives away, chasing after materialistic stuff. like for me, when i grow up, i want to get into uni if possible and get my masters and then have a good career and all. then i realise that everything im planing to do has every thing to do with the world. and absolutely nothing to do with my spiritual life or anything about God or anything about the people around who are facing death, forever. sure, maybe by like having a good carreer and everything, people may think- you're glorifying God aren't you. but no, it's not about the results, it's about your attitude, it's about your purpose in doing all these things. and as far as i can see, i think everything im planning to do is for myself, for myself living on this earth. and not so that the glory of God can be shown. and it scares me. really. and i start to wonder. sure, ive gotten pretty good grades the past few years, ive got rather good achievements, but what was my purpose exactly in doing all those? for God? or for myself? perhaps at times it's done all for God, but majority of it all? i dont know, i really dont. i hope it's not the latter, but somehow i think it is. then it strikes me that really, without God, there is really no purpose for me on this earth. so i study hard, i graduate from university, i get all kinds of funny degrees, i have a good career, then i die. what's the point of all these? but on the flipside, at least i know im here for a purpose, and im really glad that im not here just for the sake of being here. but then again, it's not merely about knowing, it's about doing something. yeah so knowing is the first step. well ive been stuck at this first step for ages. maybe ive taken a few more steps but i end up retreating. so it really makes no difference. im back to square one eh.
live each day as though it's your last. i could never really be bothered about this phrase. since it's pretty cliched. but it makes sense now somehow. it's not about how long you live but rather how you live your life? and what you use your life for? i guess it's only when death is right smack in our face do we realise how many things weve not completed, or hings weve not even set out to do. and we start to treasure every single minute and second and split second of our lives. to me it's rather ironic- to start to live only when you are on the verge of leaving this world. as people always say "if God were to call you home today, what would He say?" i dont know i really dont know. ive got so many things left undone [if i have started in the first place]. ive got so many things ive got to work on.
all those thoughts above should be a wake-up call to me eh, but i think im just letting all these drift away. so i think about it, okay. so what am i going to do about it? nothing? then what is the point of me thinking eh. especially the past weeks, ive really been living from day to day. with no aim, with no purpose. well perhaps with the purpose of getting out of this mess, and hopefully getting back on track and really living meaningfully. and im worried that after i climb up of this, i will fall back into the pit again. it's like there's this rope that is hooked to my back, dragging me down each time i am able to stand up again. and i know it's there because i can feel it, but somehow my hands refuse to move to the back to unhook myself, so that i can be free from that dreadful pit.
i shall be a little hopeful now eh? there's this thin line between life and death. but after death, there comes eternal life! or death. just a simple decision of accepting Jesus as your personal Lord and saviour vs rejecting. eternity. sometimes i wonder whether we really know the intensity of this word- eternity. i guess it's pretty hard for us to understand it, and it's no wonder because there's no material posession that lasts for eternity. perhaps that's why people don't seem to bother about what happens to them. because eternity... it just doesnt strike hard enough? and it's human nature i suppose, to care about what's happening in the present and not about the future. perhaps that's why people who are far-sighted can be considered good leaders, because not everyone is able to do that- this seems irrelevant. okay i think it is irrelevant.
perhaps all these stuff in this world are too attractive and too distracting and it's starting to draw our attention away from God and towards ourselves, towards this world. and i think im becoming like this, scary eh. which once again reminds me that ive gotta get out of this. and i will. ha.
rawr yes okay all my stupid ramblings and weird thoughts. sigh. unintelletual. shallow. haha im becoming a shallow little thing! ah. anyway i have to say that i feel accomplished. i managed to translate most of my thoughts from uh thoughts to words! ha. shall tell you the rest another time la. and my language is very limited. i use a thousand and one words to express a single point. you know i just read through it again, and it scares me. very much. oh well. haha i wonder whether i should send this to you because i think it'll take you ages to read through it- im surprised i typed so much. long email! haha especially since you're a busy guy. and all my paragraphs arent exactly linked together. it's like various chunks of stupid thoughts put together. rawr. i think i'll post this the next time i blog. which well, who knows how long more it'll take. haha soon i hope. because as you can see and as you know. my life is in a huge mess right now. it's taking longer than i expected it to be. eeyer."
yea, the above is an excerpt taken from the email. unintellectual? shallow? i beg to differ, i think it's the direct opposite. thought-provoking? indeed. i hope she wont blow up when she finds this post, though i doubt she will.
brandon.
simplicity.
*****
simple facts
peiling
30 march
christian
tnsrgs
